


Dehumanization

by CureIcy



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Passive Suicidal Ideation, Self Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25436353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CureIcy/pseuds/CureIcy
Summary: A chronicle of Martin Blackwood's spiral into despair.
Kudos: 20





	Dehumanization

**Author's Note:**

> Set between seasons three and four of TMA.

Martin is not a good person.

He gets it from his dad’s side. No matter how hard he tries to please his mom, she always sees through his act, through his helpfulness and friendliness. He tries to bring her tea and she swipes it out of his hands, the herbal blend with a splash of milk and two sugars falling to the tiled floor. Ceramic shards patterned with flowers scatter. A field of hyacinths across the flecked snow, Martin thinks. It’s a good comparison, a good line. It deserves a poem.

His mother couldn’t love something like him, so it’s safer to give these words to something that cannot judge him. He wonders if they’ll find his poetry when he dies.

Martin leaves and doesn’t look back until he curls up on his couch, wracked with sobs, and doesn’t move until morning.

* * *

Martin is not a useful person. He shows up late to work, and he always causes delays and trouble. He lied, he lied because he needed the money and he can’t give them anything in return but excuses.

He listens to the tapes from before the attack from Jane Prentiss, feeling a freeing sort of pain as Jon eviscerates his skills and lack of knowledge. He cheated to get here and he’s been a burden ever since. He’s good for nothing, so he might as well set himself on fire and at least keep someone warm. He wonders how long he would burn. He wonders if the whole Archives might be set alight. He wonders about these things.

* * *

Martin is not a kind person.

He pretends to be kind, but it’s hollow and born of fear. He will always carry his father’s anger with him, like he carries the likeness of the man his mother hated. He both admires and fears Melanie for her anger, wondering if he ever can, ever would, let himself be so angry that a monster of the Flesh would fear him. His mother fears him. That’s why she hates him. Fear and hate aren’t too dissimilar.

Martin doesn’t care about people, he just feels guilty. He loves— loved— he is still hopelessly in love with Jon, who may never wake up, who could never love a failure like him. That is not a feeling he chose. It’s mixed up in  _ I want him _ and  _ I want him to want me back. _ It is not a kind feeling. He isn’t capable of those.

Martin isn’t a person. He’s a collection of generational trauma and loneliness and longing and an ache so deep there’s no end, aching to be loved.

He thinks maybe, someday, he’d like to be a real person. But Martin is empty, always has been. So he’s better off where no one will miss him, where he can disappear like he’s always wished to, and it won’t hurt at all.


End file.
